Barman's 'Log

Finally something beautiful in the world

2009-02-04T16:56:00.002Z

At last, in these dark, grim days of recession depression it's great to see that there are still some things in this world that are beautiful.

Reported, today on NME.com Robert Plant has said that the Led Zeppelin reunion will not go ahead because the band is incomplete without original drummer John Bonham.

Speaking on a radio interview with Ben Jones on Absolute Radio the singer said: "The reason that it stopped was because we were incomplete, and we've been incomplete now for 29 years."

Plant goes on to explain that a re-united Zeppelin could ruin a legacy that was "fired by youth and a different kind of exuberance to now, it's very hard to go back and meet that head on and do it justice."

The sentiment here is clear, the surviving members of Led Zeppelin stand to get themselves large quantities of cash if they were to reunite for tours and albums, but their frontman simply doesn't want to because one of the band members died in 1980.

Their one-off gig in the O2 Arena, London, in 2007 was so good that it spark rumours of world tours and albums, but Plant had always expressed his lack of interest in the project. Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones went on to audition for a new singer but couldn't find a suitable replacement for Plant.

Led Zeppelin will always be remebered as one of the most influential rock bands of all time and it is a legacy Robert Plant is not prepared to ruin, as so many reunited bands do, without his departed band mate and that is something truly remarkable and a rare beautiful sentiment to hear in times when there's a tendency for bands to reunite to refill their wallets.

I for one would love to see Led Zeppelin perform at some stage but when their frontman comes out and explains that he can't do it without John Bonham, well you just can't complain and be greatful that there are rockstars out there who aren't just in it for the money and that's beautiful in my book.

The Barman returns, millions are dying and you’ve got to tighten your belt

2008-10-17T21:46:00.001+01:00

Apologies ladies and gentlemen, my untimely absence was due to technological difficulties. But now I’m back, back with more driving force than the AC/DC runaway train.

Two months away from venting my analysis of society has led to a stewing of something so vile I dare not give it a name.

Let’s recap, before my temporary exit from the blogosphere I was calling on the great Biffo Cowen to stand up and be counted as a leader of Ireland, I spoke of why certain things should be legal and gave my two cents on what I thought of this nanny society.

Well not much has changed. There are no late bars anymore but most people don’t seem to realise this as at 2.30am drunken people still seek that “late drink” but to no avail, guess they weren’t paying attention when people were fighting to keep the pubs open.

The great American soap opera has given us more entertainment that the love child of Eastenders and Home & Away ever could. It’s even given us a vice-presidential candidate who has been blessed against witchcraft. Yes, you read correctly witchcraft! The dumbest nation of the world has woken up to the fact that everyone hates them. Presidential hopeful John McCain includes this in many of his speeches but he chooses a person who believes she has foreign policy experience because Russia, yes RUSSIA has a border with her state Alaska.

Elsewhere people complain that Obama is too young to be president. The man is 48, that’s not young! Joe the Plumber has replaced Joe Bloggs, John Smith, Joe Six-pack and Average Joe and he’s a real person. Here’s a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElPBxiVxVEw

Go Joe!

Oh and before I forget Paddy Power have already paid out on the young Arizona senator winning the race for the White House. Time to Barack around the clock!

A financial crisis has gripped the nation, not to mention the world and many people have lost their previous earnings on their investments. Rule number for investing: there is a risk involved in investing the value of your investment ay rise and fall.

Now many people have lost money and I feel sorry for them but there are still millions dying of hunger in far off lands. Just because you can’t see it, the media chooses to ignore it because it wont sell their papers or get good ratings doesn’t mean it has gone away. So forget that your precious shares, that many of you never even remember you had in the first place, are low and your dividend cheque isn’t as good this time around. Stop panicking. The world is not going to tumble.

Shares have already started to perform again. Things will go back to the way they were as soon as people stop thinking that all is f@*ked. Irish banks will not be allowed fall by Biffo’s government. AIB have had countless bailouts over the year that no one ever cared about. Some of the banks ay struggle and be bought out by bigger companies. On the global market banks may just see this as a huge opportunity and buy out other banks in a move that may lead to monopoly banks.

So your value is down then again so is everyone else’s. Remember Tyler Durden in Fight Club talking to his alter ego about what the possibilities would be if the credit companies disappeared, what if everyone went back to zero. Imagine what that would be like.

How you bounce back from something like this is what makes you a person. Loads of you will see this as an opportunity and I look forward to seeing you on a future RTÉ talk show telling Ireland about how you made it big on the recession.

And what’s this about people complaining so much about Mr. Lenihan’s budget, you’ve all had it too good for too long, lousy ingrates. It’s not just affecting you it’s affecting everyone so quit your whining we all have responsibility to fix societies problems. It just seems that everyone puts financial problems ahead of everything else. Money, Money, Money.

It’s not so bad to loose money so long as everyone else does. That way you only lose relative value which is nowhere near as gut wrenching as losing everything.

Remember Feed the World. I just hope this opens up some eyes to the fact that there is a world out there. A world most people choose to ignore. News from countries that don’t speak English and don’t have booming economies don’t make our papers or airways. So even as markets settle and begin to rise again remember your little loss means nothing compare to what‘s happening around the globe.

Don’t sit there and moan about the relative value loss of your investments, LEARN FROM IT!

Here’s another video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDv_GTJ6F2o

Legalise it

2008-08-06T11:59:00.004+01:00

Off licences now close at 10pm and no bars are open after 2.30am, the shackles of oppression are firmly on the people living in Ireland. Seeing as alcohol consumption is being frowned upon by our ministers in Leinster House, perhaps, our pot smoking Taoiseach and leader Brian Cowan should step up and challenge the nanny state.

Everyone knows drugs are bad, some are good and some are brilliant. Alcohol is by no means the most enjoyable and with the amount of hours allowed for drinking a day being reduced and of course the recent price increase announced by Guinness it’s time to look elsewhere for recreation and fun.

Football hooliganism thrived on lager and disappeared as ecstasy became the drug of choice in the UK with everyone on the love buzz who could be bothered with all the fussing and fighting involved with football. It just didn’t make sense to be angry anymore.

Take Amsterdam, as an example, like Dublin there is a final closing hour for all pubs, clubs and bars when everyone, on a night out, spill out onto the streets but unlike Dublin there’s no animosity between people. This can really only be attributed to the fact that most people have probably consumed cannabis in some form or other. It is a captivating drug and leaves people with a positive view of the world it makes people laugh and be happy.

Cocaine feeds the obnoxious part of us all and with all due respect Irish people don’t need to fuel their obnoxiousness. Heroin, the drug of the bum and many amazing rock stars is also not one to be legalised and I suppose, due to the mind altering, and somewhat disabling effect of acid LSD and magic mushrooms should probably not be considered to be made legal.

Maybe we should forget about alcohol altogether, with people walking around on ecstasy of cannabis it would be like watching overgrown smiley faces on the streets rather than unbalanced, loud and fight0hungry drunks.

It’s time Cowan to stop being a BIFFO and stand up for your countrymen.

How to treat a bartender

2008-07-31T11:50:00.003+01:00

I found this group on Facebook and thought you might like to know what goes on in the mind of the bartending community. It is quiet long so feel free to pick a few rules at random and become a bartender's dream customer.

We serve you alcohol and clean up after you so you can have a good time, maybe go home with 'that special person over there', or so you can get over a not-so-great week... Now here's how your supposed to act once you get to the bar because 90% of you all have no idea.

1. Our names are NOT "Hey" or "Yo", nor do we respond to whistles or banging your bottle or glass on the bar! If you ever do get your drink you can be sure we will serve everyone else at the bar before we decide to serve you.

2. Mouth closed, money out! Just because we look at you, doesn't mean we're ready for you! Just because we haven't looked at you doesn't mean that we don't know you are there. WE KNOW YOU ARE THERE!

3. If we are making drinks, do NOT say, "When you get a chance." When we get a chance, you will know!

4. Never....ever...."EVER".... touch the bartender!

5. DO NOT tell us you bartend too! We'll know if you do or don't by the way you conduct yourself!

6. There is NO SUCH DRINK called 'Kettle One and Vodka'!!!

7. If you order a "Diet Rum and Coke" instead of "rum and Diet Coke", we will look at you like the drunk asshole idiot that you are!

8. DO NOT start the order off with, "GIVE ME A STRONG DRINK!" You are guaranteed to have the WEAKEST DRINK EVER!!

9. DO NOT say "I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU" if you don't know what that means! $1.00 tip is NOT taking care of us! I REPEAT!!!! LEAVING ONE DOLLAR ($1.00) IS "NOT" TAKING CARE OF US!!!!!!!!!***

10. We don't care who you are or who you know - the guy before you hit on us too... and the guy before him and the guy before him... We're bartenders, --WE'RE NOT GOING HOME WITH YOU!!!!!

11. Waving your money at us just annoys us - We know you're there and we'll get to you when we get to you!!!

12. NO TIPPIE, NO DRINKIE! (Go back and read rule #9 again)

13. Do not COMPLAIN ABOUT PRICES!! Jesus.......if you want to act like a big shot and order an expensive drink.....don't ruin it by complaining about the price. Order something cheaper next time.

14. Yes, there IS alcohol in it! If you can't taste it, you've drank too much and I should cut you off! IF you want me to put another shot in it, you will pay for it.

15. NO SLEEPING ON THE BAR! if we wanted to see you sleep we would go home w/ you. (Read rule ten again)

16. Don't ask me to name EVERY beer in stock. You know what the hell you drink so just order it and stop wasting my time. I'll tell you if I don't have it.

17. If you are ordering food, don't ask me to read the menu to you. I am not your personal assistant. If you can't order your own food than don't leave the house.

18. If you do tip us well and we buy you a drink, DO NOT announce to the WHOLE bar that the Bartender "hooked you up"…You will never get another free drink again!!!!

19. Please do not tell us your personal "stories" b/c we don't care and quite frankly....we just don't have the time. Just give us your order and tip us in dollars...not with paper roses or old valentines day candy.

20. Don't come to my bar and act like a big dog just because you are wearing a suit. Chances are I make more than you do and have more fun doing it so take a step back, relax and get over yourself.

21. If by some chance you've mustered up the courage to pass your phone number over the bar without my asking, flattered as I may be....I still may not call you so don't get all pissy and give me dirty looks on future visits to my bar.

22. DO NOT assume that we are allowed to give a few drinks away because not all bars are the same. And certainly DO NOT ask me for a free drink because you tipped me well. As much as I appreciate your generosity........I can assure you that your tip will not be enough to pay my bills for the month.

23. DO NOT ask me the price of every drink before you order. The only question you're allowed is "Do you have any specials?" Order what you want to drink. It's early, if you find that choice was to expensive for your taste, you have plenty of time to adjust your next drink choice accordingly. Note: Beer costs less than hard liquor. Domestics cost less than imports. Anything you've learned to drink from rap videos or Hollywood movies is usually priced out the ass so either bring a lot of cash to the bar or stop trying to be a high roller. OH, and IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO TIP ALONG WITH PURCHASING THAT HIGHLY PRICED DRINK......YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FOR THE DRINK. PERIOD YO!!!! You know who you are.

24. When ordering a mixed drink, the liquor comes before the mixer. Don't order a cranberry with vodka! It is vodka and cranberry.

25. When you finally get our attention do not turn around and then ask your group of friends what they want. We will walk away and make you wait until you are actually ready to order and that would be nice. We may make you wait longer!

26. Just be respectful and I'm sure you will see a difference in your bartender's response time. I know it's hard for some of you to understand what that means. If you still don't know, go back and read this whole thing over and over until you grasp a firm understanding of the concept. Thank you!!!! Now go have a good time.

27. Do NOT string-order your drinks. Tell me what you want... your FULL order, if I forget, I will ask YOU. If I come to you with your 2 little drinks and you say, " and can I get..." NO, you cant. I am busy, there are other people waiting, and you should've told me the first time I asked you what you wanted. Now you'll have to wait.

28. Do NOT ask me for a free drink on your birthday. Do you go to the grocery store and ask for a free loaf of bread too? Do you go to the gas station and ask for free gas? If I want to buy you a drink, I will if I feel like it. NOT just because its your birthday...

29. When you say, "I tip at the end of the night." or " I'll take care of you later." we already know you're going to be a cheap-ass and not tip at all. Nice try.

30. (Referring to #1) Even if you DO know my name, yelling it across the bar will not get me to serve you any quicker. As a matter of fact, it will probably annoy the piss out of me and will once again result in you waiting longer.

31. If you want the other bartender to serve you, don't ask me to get them for you. If you're standing in front of me, that is most likely my station and no, I wont go get them for you. Walk your happy ass down to the other end of the bar and get them yourself. I might throw in that you're probably not as special as you think and now you'll probably wait longer, because I could have served you.

32. (Refering #4) Do NOT lean as far as you can over the bar, in case I didn't see you. I see you. Really, I do.

33. If you use a credit/debit card, do NOT make me continuously run your card through for just one round. Open a tab. When you close it, be sure you are not going to want anything else. I am not going to run your credit card all night long each time you just want "one more round." Also, cash tips are always better! Thanks.

34. If you spill your drink because you're drunk, then NO, I'm not giving you another one. You don't need another one if you cant hold on to the one I just made you. Also, if you tell me, "someone threw my drink away." well too bad! You shouldn't have left it unattended anyways!

35. If you want to buy a drink for "that girl over there" then I hope you know what she's drinking. I don't. And no, I wont go find out, or leave the bar to serve it to her.

36. Last call is LAST CALL! FINISH YOUR DRINK AND GET THE FUCK OUT! No, you cant stay after everyone else has left. You're not the only friend I have, nor are the first person to ask. Just leave before you get yelled at, or I do!

37. If I am nice enough to call a taxi for you, you better be outside when it gets there. Enough said

38: You may observe that I occasionally make drinks for some people more quickly than I do for you - this may be because they are friends, family, friends or family of my co-workers or the owner, fantastic tippers, or that they have followed the rules more accurately than you have. It is also possible that I am feeling salty, or that their bottle of Bud Light is quicker to grab than your Bloody Mary (with a twist). Don't take this personal . . . actually, go ahead and take it personally, I don't mind.

39: I am allowed to drink at my job (in fact, it is almost expected), but I must keep my inebriation to a tolerable and professional level - enough booze to have fun, but not enough to impair my abilities to walk, talk, count, work or make simple judgments. I have trained myself well at this, through years of trail and error. As such, I have literally NO respect for someone who CANNOT do this, someone who plays the 'oh, shit, I'm drunk' victim-card. Learn your own limits, asshole, because if you are fucked up enough to be even the slightest bit annoying to me, then I will hate you forever and I will treat you like the dog-scum you are. You ordered the drinks, you drank the drinks, you knew their was booze in there, and your low-ass tolerance is shameful to both of us.Drinking is fun, and bars are fun, but getting shitty and being shitty are unbecoming of an adult.

40. When ordering a large amount of shots for you and your friends, ordering the same shot - for example 7 SoCo limes - is a helluva lot faster than ordering 1 SoCo lime, 1 Jaeger bomb, 1 red-headed slut, 1 kamikaze... etc. You'll get your drinks a LOT faster and your bartender will be a LOT LESS annoyed and might even cut you a deal. Happy bartenders = happy bars!

41. If you order the rail/well special and don't say what you want, I will give you Tequila and Coke and you will like it! Cause you don't know what is going on! Learn how to order a drink dumbass

42. If you are being an ass at last call, and you accidentally give me an extra twenty when closing your tab, you better believe that I am going to keep it!

43. When ordering a drink, please talk to me, and not my boobs. Yes, girls wear shirts to show them off and get better tips, but they can't hear you when you order a drink, and I sure as hell am gonna think you're kind of a creepo for not looking me in the eye.

44. We don't care if you know the owner. You're still not getting a free drink unless he personally orders it for you. and dont try and get special treatment by saying your good friends with the owner. EVERYONE is good friends with the owner. if hes such a good friend of yours, call his cell and get him down here... oh you dont know his cell phone number? course not...

45. When you're having fun with many friends and that you ask for the drinks bill please be ready to pay quickly and never ever tell me : I'll pay my 2 beers, my friend there pay 2 sex on the beach, he's paying one round of shot's and a vodka cranberry, he's...and so on...We don't have time to waste for shits like that (especially when we're busy), so please do it like that : someone pay the whole bill and you'll arrange yourself for who have to pay for what outside of the bar!!

46. Don't try to impress girls by ordering a "single malt on the rock's" when after that you ask me why there are ice cubes in your glass!!You're not in a movie, if you don't know what something like "on the rock's" means you'd better to order something like a beer, the perfect drink for the perfect farmer you are..

47. If you order a rum and coke while your friend orders an Alabama Slammer or a long island ice tea, please do not freak out at the fact that his/her glass is larger than yours because it will just make you look foolish (to put it nicely)...as someone said before, if you ever have a doubt, please just order a beer.

48. We don't care who you are, what you do, or who you know, hollar, whistle, wave your hands, or snap your fingers at us to get our attention while we're taking an order or making a drink puts you at the ass end of the line...for the rest of the night. We have eyes, we can see your drink is empty and we'll get you one when we get you one...shut the hell up and be patient.

49. If I tell you that you don't have a tab open it means: a) you opened it with a server, b) you opened it at a different bar in the building or c) you closed it 10 minutes ago and are too hammered to remember. Don't go to every bartender asking for your card...I'm sober or more sober than you, and got it right the first time.

50. And don't waste my time telling me how hot you think the female bartenders are. I work with them, so I already know this. And the answer is always "yes, she has a boyfriend" because it saves you the embarrassment of being rejected and her the time listening to you. Chances are she's going to see you get shit faced and make out with a lagoon creature anyway, so just save your breath for the troll you're taking home tonight.

51. Do not be shocked or surprised at all if I make you a big round of drinks, especially when I am busy, and you tip like shit, that I am not shy in telling you in front of everyone, to fuck off and never come to me again. That stupid deer in the headlights look like you have no idea what I am talking about makes you look like a cheap moron. You want to avoid this, tip well.

52. And for the love of God, do not waste my time by simply coming up and ordering a glass of water. Unless I have been giving you drinks all night, you tipped well, and you need the water, I will skip over you again and again until all the paying customers get what they want. It's tedious and annoying and chances are your cheap ass isn't going to tip for it. You want faster service, drop a tip in my jar when you ask for the glass of water or go to the water fountain that we have. That's what it is there for.

53. For the sake of the bartender's sanity, please DO NOT bang or pound on our bar. We are not your personal assistants, and do not answer to the snap of your finger, or to a bell. Doing so will result in the bartender telling you off, and not serving you, or possibly if you have pissed us off enough, we'll get you kicked out, or sent to another bar. This REALLY fucking pisses off bartenders.

54. Do not touch things on MY bar that is not yours. Keep your dirty hands out of my fruit, off of my straws, and away from my napkins. Chances are you're covered in some else's vomit or spit... please keep those germs to yourself.

55. DO NOT THROW THINGS. If your buddy is on the other side of the bar don't throw your ice at him to get his attention. Walk your stupid ass over there and talk to him. And if you hit me with something in your drunken attempts to get their attention you will leave the bar soaking wet, I don't care if you're dressed nice or if its 10 degrees outside. You shouldn't act like such a jack ass!

56. if you rented out the bar and the beer and drinks have been prepaid for, don't just order your drinks and NOT tip. Its not like i wanted to come in 2 hours before my shift would normally start so i can poor drinks for nothing, bc i will get on the loud speaker and call every single one of your cheap ass's out!!

57. Don't order shots for you and your friends then add in there to make one for myself, then when the total comes you're pissed because its so expensive. Just because you think your being "smooth" by telling me to take one also, doesn't mean you aren't going to be paying for that one also.

58:.Don't think that because you are of the opposite sex that you can sweet-talk, intimidate, or seduce an extra drink out of me. If I were that easy to persuade, I sure as hell wouldn't be working here. The only things that will get you preferential treatment are politeness (again, tastelessly hitting on a bartender is not polite) and generous tipping - I don't care how hot you think you are.

59. When ordering a round of shots, don't be a douche bag and have me make 6 and then decide you need three more after I'm done making them. Also when ordering shots: layered shots are cool looking yes. However, don't be a dick and order 15 of them when the bar is packed.

60. the bar is not SELF-SERVICE, hence, the reason for tipping. That means, DO NOT help yourself to anything across the bar including the garnish tray, the straws and napkins, or glasses under the bar!

61. Do not PRETEND or FAKE tipping us! We WILL know if you tip whether we're looking at you or turned away! Doing the motions of the tip and then walking away just makes you look remedial, and you will suffer for it if you dare come back to our station again!

62. Yes, the club is loud on the dance floor, I think its time to adjust your hearing buddy because I've lost the ability to now hear what you want me to get you. DON'T grab me by the neck pull me towards you and scream into my ear. I'm not your mate. Oh and it's called enunciation, if you're drunk enough to ask for a drink, at least make an effort!

63. If I've cut you off, it's cause either you're drunk staggering and about to make a real ass out of yourself..you've tripped over nothing and spilled your drink on someone...or maybe...it's just time for you to leave cause everyone (including me) wants you to go!Take it personal, if you want...but, it IS my call!

64.When i say its time to leave... its time to leave! I stopped getting paid 10 minutes ago and believe it or not I'm not drunk, I'm not having "the best night ever dude!" and i want to go home and wash that bar smell off my body! Put down the drink, it's obvious you're not going to finish it, and stumble your way out the door to the nearest cab... I just want you the hell out!

65. If you think you have been short changed it could be for one of the following reasons: 1) your too drunk to count 2) when the bartender told you how much the round cost you decided it was a better idea to turn around to your mate and finish your conversation 3) you've been a complete arsehole, and the bartender has decided that it's his/her right to take knobhead tax!(Knobhead tax is quite frequent in bars that attract arseholes, which in your case is what you are, so if you want to pay the proper price for your selected beverages follow the rules, we'll be good on your pocket. A smile never hurts either, we are only doing our job.)

66. Don't lean across the bar to flick off draft beer taps. We're on our way already and haven't forgotten about it! Its our beer I'm pouring until you've handed over that sweaty note you've been waving around for the last 5 minutes...

67. If I've cut you off, it's cause either you're drunk staggering and about to make a real ass out of yourself..you've tripped over nothing and spilled your drink on someone...or maybe...it's just time for you to leave cause everyone (including me) wants you to go!Take it personal, if you want...but, it IS my call!

68. If I make your drinks and then you decide you want a pint of Guinness, you are simply a DUMB ASS!!

69. This is my job, I know what I'm doing. If I'm putting ice into a wine glass or a martini glass it's to chill it for you, I am not a moron and 'totally misunderstood' what you mean by a large glass of Chardonnay, thinking you wanted a soda water instead. Questioning me like this is just going to get you to the end of the line!

70. It´s not cool to order a 100$-bottle of wine, chuck down half of it and then complain that "the wine is off", send it back and act like an insulted ass and stalk off when five employees come to the verdict that it´s JUST FINE- we´re all pros, we drink A LOT and KNOW our alcohol. Besides, wine is fermented grape juice- technically, it IS off...

71. Contrary to how loud you think the music is, bartenders can hear almost anything and everything inappropriate you say...keep talking and you're bound to be ignored!

72. If I hear you tell some one that you are a good tipper or that you always take care of the bar staff, don't be surprised if I laugh. I know who are a good tippers and they never bring it up.

73. It is not because I am a barmaid and that I work in a place where people are there to meet people that I want to meet you! So don't think we go to every date customers invited us on, and don't feel like you re the only one to do it!

74. I am working mate, even if it is behind a bar. So don't tell me i am not fun just because I didn't drink the 5th shot of tequila you bought me!

75. (This one's from London) Don't ask me me to top up your pint. Especially don't say "Top up my pint mate!"We know it is the law in UK and if you ask we have to. and all the customers are right...But it is not with that half centimeter more of lager in your glass that you're going to be more drunk. Most of the time you are already.

76. Don't ask for champagne when you just want sparkling wine. We hate it when we've corrected you and you still insist on calling it champagne. If you were cultured enough to know what real fucking champagne is, then you would never have given the honor of calling that cheap shit champagne in the first place.

77. When the line is 8 deep, don't order a green apple martini, or a pink lady or something stupid like that...repeat after me: rum-coke, pils-ner, vodka-diet...and if your bartender is kind enough to make your green apple martini when they're slammed busy, don't take a sip, and say, no you don't make it right...you're NOT getting your money back, I'm NOT making you another one, and you're a douche for ordering it in the first place.

78. Leave your nickels and dimes in your piggy bank.

79. Who orders 1 shot? Get a friend.

80. (This apparently is an issue in Fiji): DO NOT try to hold the bar up trying to look sexy, trying to pick me up, or make eyes at me then proceed to spit on the floor over and over again. This is a respectable bar NOT a urinal. We DO NOT come to your home and spit on your floor so DO NOT spit on ours.Take note, I am not interested in you & you will NOT be served again. Also keep in mind you will be escorted out the door by the burly bouncers twice your scrawny ass spitting size...and we don't care if you are of royal status or not you will be taken out.

81. When the line is 8 deep and you’ve been waiting 5 minutes to be served. When we ask you what you want don’t say…”ahhhh I’m not sure”. You are now NOT going to be served for another five minutes!

82. So you think you gave me a twenty and I gave you a change for a ten? I'm pretty sure you're the drunk one and I'm the sober one so we're going to go with the rule "The Bartender is Always Right".

83. If you r ordering a product which can be served in more than one way, for example a beer which we stock in bottles as well as on the tap, please specify which you would like when u place your order. DO NOT watch us pour 3 Heineken's from the tap then tell us you wanted bottles. If you wanted bottles you should have asked, or @ least stopped us @ the 1st one! Now drink up and tell us your correct order next time.

84. If your friend orders you the wrong drink, that is your problem with your friend. Please DO NOT involve us with something like "My friend ordered me a bourbon & coke but I wanted a scotch & coke." ...then expect a free drink. Just order yourself another drink.

85. If you are ever caught stealing or trying to steal our tips, YOU WILL BE GONE, and not necessarily in a nice way.

86. (I thought this was kind of funny): If you lean over the bar waving $ to get served before it's your turn (and despite how chaotic it looks in that bar, we know. It's our job.), it's ours. I dont care how big or small that $ is, I'm grabbing it. Your side of the bar = your money, our side = it's a tip.

87. I don't care how long you've been at sea for or how well you tip, if you make obscene gestures at the servers or bartenders (i.e. sticking your tongue between your fingers), you had better be very apologetic when you are being escorted out by security or a nap is in your near future.

88. If you leave the bar for an hour and come back...don't be pissed off because we ask you for your ID again. We check hundreds of id's every single night and we are NOT going to remember you, we look at your id for 2 seconds. So yes we need to see it again. don't be mad at me, plus it's the law! And we don't want to jeopardize our jobs or our bar.

89. Do not, upon receiving your beer, hand your pint back to me and ask me to top it up. That little line that says 'pint' about an inch below the rim of the glass (or about 3 inches on the Stella glasses) is how much you paid for, and freaking out over an ounce of beer is probably going to get you cut off.

90. Never, ever, at an Irish pub, ask the bartender to spoon the head off your Guinness. I'll just ask for your ID because anyone who's ever been in a bar before knows what a Guinness is supposed to look like.

91. When you order a Stella from the bartender, and he puts a Kilkenny on the bar with a little piece of paper that says 'Kilkenny' on it, don't pick it up and drink it. Stella and Kilenny don't look anything alike, and you just paid for two beers, you drunk dumbass.

92. If a customer comes to the bar with 2 bottles of beer and the identifying labels are removed, when you ask for 2 more and I give you two brown bottles, do not be pissed that you got bud light instead of miller lite, you got exactly what you asked for, 2 brown bottles.

93. Just because you know the bartenders name doesn't mean they know you. If you are going to try to yell at a bartender across the bar, make sure they know your name!

94. If you order a drink that needs to be shaken in order to taste good, do not complain that I "took soooo much longer than that guy bartender" getting your beers. Please refer to the rules that clearly state "bottled beer comes faster than ANYTHING else. If I decide to serve you again, I will not shake it in order to serve you faster, you'll taste the difference.

95. Weekends are busy, me working hard sometimes might mean I'm not grinning ear-to-ear. You want to put me in a 'smiley' mood? Please don't say "Smile!" a hundred times. PLEASE because you will get just the opposite effect.

96. (Not sure if I added this one) I wouldn't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell me how to do mine.

97. When you refuse service to an idiot who tells you that his money pays my salary. Your money also pays the salary of the secuurity guard kicking you out!!

98. (This is from Australia) NO MAKING OUT AT THE BAR!!!! We don't want to see it and neither does anyone else. You're also taking up valuable bar space that someone buying drinks could be using. One warning and then you feel the wrath of the post-mix gun!!!! (This is a message he added after: I dunno if you call it post-mix in the US? If you don't, it's the high-pressure soda gun that mixes in your syrups)

99. (from UK) If I id (card) you, it is because I genuinely think you are under age. If you respond nicely without ID I may turn a blind eye. If you moan, complain or give me "I was drinking before you were born" or "Do I look underage?" Then I will become total bitch and call my mate "Big Dan" who will escort you out in the most embarrasing way I can think of!

100. (I think something personal went on with the person who sent me this, but it's funny) just because you're a cop you don't get to drink for free. yes, your entire crew did run up that $90 tab, and yes we do expect you to pay for it, especially since you're all rude, your cow of a girlfriend being the biggest offender, you don't tip worth shit, and you leave the place a mess. fuck me? what kind of car do i drive? a blue and white crown vic, asshat

101. I may have gone to your school, you never talked to me--and neither did your friends. You never said hi when I did--and neither did your friends. Now you come up to me and say "Heyyyy" and you THINK I'm going to treat you like a special person and give you good drinks because "Oh my gosh you think I'm hot" now. Think again buddy.

102. Please ladies, we aren't trying to fuck your men..so don't come up to the bar with him just to give me evil looks. you are lame. please stop. I don't want your boyfriend...if I did, he would be mine.

103. Don't come up to the bar, take forever figuring out which 3 drinks you want to order, then ask how much it is if ur holding a bill such as a fifty. Obviously it's less than $50, so pay take ur drinks and go away!

104. Don't order a martini at a cocktail bar and then send it back saying 'this tastes like pure alcohol'

105. If your being an asshole, don't ever ever threatened me with 'oh yeah what you going to do?' cos no mater what you've done I will kick u out!

106. When you come in to a bar,check that you have money to pay your drinks.We won't leave you a tab open for next weekend or we will not wait for you to go borrow money from your friends.If you don't have money,stay at home!

107. Just because I've served you before deoesn't mean I will remember what you drank. Do you know how many people I'm waiting on? That goes for remembering your name too.

108. If the sign says "No service in this area" don't stand there on a Friday night shouting orders at me, I'm not going to serve you, go to the back of the line and wait like everyone else.

109. If you were the arsehole who took the piss out of me and bullied me at school, don't come into the bar, recognize me and say "ayup mate, you going to sort me out with a drink?" and act as if we are best friends. You are not my friend and doing that proves how much of a dick you were and still are. (I think this was more of a personal issue)

110. Just because we might have kissed like 10 years ago, doesn't mean you get served faster, or that you don't have to tip.

111. Don't expect faster service because you're a "regular", unless you actually tip. By being a regular you should know how the system works.

112. We are not your personal assistant or caretaker. No I will not watch/hold your purse, cellphone, hats, coats, or whatever you shouldn't have brought with you. BEHING THE BAR IS NOT A COAT CLOSET. Leave it in your car or leave it home. The only thing you need is cash/credit card/ID.

113. If you run a tab and don't settle up at the end of the night, there is a reason you had to give me your credit card. Don't get pissy when you come in to retrieve your Card and find that we have not only run the card through for you tab, but add or 20%. There are to many arseholes out there that make a habit of it and never, i repeat NEVER, leave a tip.

114. NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER come up to the bar right after you hear us call last call and ask us to close out your tab. When we call last call every swinging pecker in the bar is going to come running up and try to get a last drink in that five minute. We are not going to stop serving just to cash you out. If you waited till five minute to two to come up, you can now wait till after two. Suck it, your a d- and more then likely aren't going to tip so piss off.

115. If we say no it means no. If we say leave, it means leave.

116. (Referring #28) If it's your birthday and I've met you maybe once before, I might give you a free drink if I like you; but don't just come straight up to me without even a "Hello" and say "It's my birthday". Well done, would you like a gold medal?

If you fail to meet any of the above said rules of the bar, don't be surprised when one or several of our good friends in security take you by the arm and tell you to get the fuck out, they like us a lot more than they like you! And idiot, don't put up a fight, because they are bigger than you, and there's more of them than your mates. Nuff said.Also, if you be a pick to the floor staff, you will also feel the clubs wrath as many bartenders started on the floor, so piss them off, you piss us all off, and the above resolution will apply.

"After you have ordered your drinks and finished interacting with us, we can appear invisible until you are ready to order again, this is perfectly natural, but...BE WARNED: We have eyes and ears, we hear your conversations, we see every nuance of interaction, every sociological detail occurring between you and your friends, your date, your colleagues. If it is a slow night/day, we might be bored and you will become our entertainment. We will know more about you in the time that you spend in our bar/pub than you will ever know about us. Please take this into consideration when talking loudly at the bar about your personal life or when expressing your opinions, when looking down your nose at us.Treat us like shit, like servants, or act on the fact that just because you earn more money than us in your nine-to-five office asylum that you're better than us, then you might get regret your actions.REMEMBER: we've seen you, we've heard you and we know that the girl you're trying to impress is not your wife.Just because we're polishing glasses doesn't mean we're not paying attention.Tip well."-Thanks Phil Rickwood, love this insight.

Thanks to the 17,976 bartenders that are part of this group on Facebook for outlining the rules so I don't have to. While there may be a few rules that don't apply in every bar pay attention to them abd you'll never again feel the rath of a scorned bartender!

To the death of fun!

2008-07-30T14:39:00.001+01:00

It has, for a long time, been a tradition for people in the bar industry to enjoy a cool, refreshing drink after work.

In most parts of the Emerald Isle and even some parts of Dublin city publicans encourage their staff to drink during the “drinking up” time, a short period of 30 minutes, after closing time, that customers have to finish their drinks and leave the premises. Others enforce the strict rule of waiting until the pub is empty and all the cleaning up is finished before having a drink. Your friendly barman works in the latter type of establishment.

Now when I say “empty” this does not imply that only staff are left on the premises. Friends of staff, loyal and regular customers and ex-staff are at times allowed to “hang on” after closing time to enjoy another drink, and quiet possibly a game of poker, with the staff.

On this day that marks Ireland’s further sinking into a nanny state. Off-licenses and late bars are now being forced to close earlier and the men in blue are given more power in order to decrease alcohol related crime. I feel it important to mention how the Gardaí have been training for this one.

Recently, a friend arrived home from a trip to Indonesia. He came into the pub to enjoy some much needed pints of Guinness (beer wasn’t plentiful in Indonesia, though hash coffee was). After telling stories horror of tsunami after effects, elephant riding and drinking the odd beer from a “coke” labelled can he was joined by two friends who are also well known to the barstaff.

As I locked the door, letting out the last customer at 12.30am (1 hour past closing time), two passing Gardaí knocked on the door and enquired as to why there were still people on the premises. Now my friends face a fine and the pub owners a bigger fine for them being on the premises after hours.

These same Gardaí were also heard standing outside the pub at 11pm debating whether closing time was 11pm or 11.30pm, one can only wonder that if we had kept the pub open would they just have debated further what the legal closing time is.

I’m normally happy with the work of the Gardaí, but not knowing when closing time is, is a huge mistake. These guys were young and you can rest assured that had they been off work and out they’d be the toughest people to get to leave at the end of the night.

But they do have a tough and often thankless job and I cannot be bitter towards them although they ruined my fun and my delicious pint of Erdinger Dunkel and the rare chance to socialise.

What luck eh? I’ve stayed behind after work many times and have never come across the police force in a pub after hours in Dublin.

But now they can expect barstaff to stay longer after hours, those of us who relied on those places opened until 3.30am to go to after work to meet friends and socialise as of today no longer have the option. So I, along with most of my colleagues will be enjoying many lock ins complaining about the state of this nanny nation.

So raise your glass and join me in a toast: to the death of fun.

Ass kissing for the sake of kissing ass

2008-07-30T14:22:00.001+01:00

Nothing grinds my gears more than when a pub owner, or a pub owner’s relative, demands that I “look after these people, be extra nice to them. Get them anything they want and just make sure they are treated well.”

Today’s brown nose candidates are visiting the pub from a dating website and were spoiled with free wine, food and an extra big, jaw-hurting smile in the hope that they will select the pub for their clients blind dates.

One of the biggest demands, and quiet possibly the hardest one to constantly achieve, in this profession is to be kind and courteous to every customer.

Giving special treatment to people who may or may not bring in the odd extra customer does not warrant me going nose deep in ass.

I’m here to serve drinks, be polite and easy going and to make sure that every effort is made not to have any bad effect on an individual’s social experience.

Every customer has the potential to bring in more customers. Remaining professional and helpful, as a bartender, to all customers will achieve this. It does not require going the extra mile for people who host a dating website.

These people should be treated like any other customer; nobody’s ass should be kissed because they may bring in a small bit of business. They’d want to possess the ability to fill the pub on a nightly basis before I’d bow down and give them special treatment.

Some people were just not born to run a pub or even be involved in the hospitality industry. Pub owners take note: you employ management and staff to ensure your pub is run smoothly and makes a profit if your not happy then change your staff but don’t go around barking orders at bartenders to kiss the asses you so wilfully put your lips to.

Come on feel the buzz

2008-07-21T16:25:00.004+01:00

In the full swing of a sunny, Sunday afternoon a kind and slightly tipsy familiar face orders three Jager-bombs then insists on changing the order to four, including yours truly in a toast to Padraig Harington.

As I lifted my glass and proceeded to down its contents I knew that this will probably lead to trouble. For a long time now, I firmly believe that bartender’s, especially on busy nights, should be allowed to have a drink on their break (in another pub, of course) if they want to.

So long as the bartender doesn’t take advantage of the situation and drink too much or skive off work for too long, it should not be frowned upon. Luckily, many pubs in Dublin allow such behaviour, or choose to ignore it.

However, drinking while behind the bar is a touchy subject. It is fiercely outlawed by managers and owners as they fear staff may steal drinks while behind the bar. But when we raised our glasses to Irish golf hero, Padraig Harington, the customer paid for my drink.

Normally, when a customer, showing their gratitude, insists on buying me a drink I normally just take €5 from their change and say: “Thanks, but I’m not allowed drink behind the bar so I’ll just take a fiver. It’ll pay for one after work.”

Celebrations are different affairs to the normal day to day atmosphere, particularly when the whole pub is celebrating. Why not, therefore, get involved, especially if the customer wishing to have a drink with you is a regular you speak with, and have a laugh with, quiet often?

Had I refused the customer’s generosity or even taken the money for the drink, as a tip, he would not have been happy. It is my job, as a bartender, to keep customers happy and in the current climate of economic fear keeping customers happy and coming back to the pub is exactly what the owners want.

Yet, you can rest assured that I will face some form of punishment for my carefree behaviour. Stern words shall be had and staff policy outlined to me: “When a customer offers you a drink, politely refuse and take the money for the drink as a tip in order to pay for a drink after work.”

This is standard procedure in most pubs but on some occasions it is important for the overall experience of the customer that bartenders get involved in the fun if customers wish you to do so.

Most bars I have worked in on New Year’s Eve stop serving at midnight, briefly, so that staff can have a celebratory drink. I just can’t see why on other big occasions a similar allowance be made. After all, Padraig Harington is the most successful Irish sportsman of the last 12 months.

Photo Credit: David Wilcox

Nanny, nanny, nanny

2008-07-14T13:05:00.002+01:00

Now I’m all for the smoking ban, it makes the whole pub experience more pleasurable. Smoking has become a new social experience you meet new people, more easily, in smoking areas. But as Ireland becomes more of a “Nanny State” than a free one, bringing back the latest opening time for bars and clubs from 3.30am to 2.30am will create more havoc on the streets.

Sometimes I wonder is it dim-witted people, or people with a severe chip on their shoulder, who end up in power? How will putting more people out on the streets at 2.30am decrease drink related crime? How?

There are only two types of people who could possibly support such a move: 1) The older generation who don’t drink long into the night and who believe that the majority should be punished for crimes by the minority and, 2) Bar staff who want to finish work a little earlier.

There is, and will always be, only one way to solve drink-fuelled crime in Dublin and that’s 20-24hour opening times.

Pubs, by right, should be allowed to open and close whenever they want. If demand exists in an inner city area for a nightclub that goes until 6am then allow it. Pubs in the suburbs would open in the morning and close whenever they get quiet around 11pm or so, or at a fixed desired time that the pub owners want their pub closed by.

This would mean a safe dispersal of people, under the influence of alcohol, on to the streets. With everyone going home at different times, fights and public order offences would decrease.

The only problem would be in the first few weeks of 20-24hour drinking. The novelty of being able to drink at any time would be overly-enjoyed and celebrated initially, however, as people quickly realise that neither their body nor their wallet can maintain such a strain people would develop their own personal drinking habits and pubs would open to suit those habits.

What use is it to the likes of the Viper Room opening its doors anymore, which it most likely will. Nobody goes there for any reason other than that it’s opened later than most other places.

Will people have to go out earlier, will nights out in the pub be replaced by the much cheaper, no closing time house party? Is that what those in power hope to achieve by moving us closer to a complete nanny state.

Well, I’m off to find an abandoned warehouse that I’ll get a graffiti artist to paint and fill with DJs and booze and charge an entry fee to cover the cost of beer and party all day and all night.

Teflon gangbangers have no right to steal the night. Next thing they’ll reduce the size of the standard spirit measure and move from pints to 500ml glasses so that people get less alcohol.

Another thing: Why do the people of Ireland let their government go on holidays surely the Dáil and the TD’s should work more than anyone seeing as they run the country. It just doesn’t make any sense perhaps that is why they are seeking to create a 2Nanny State”.

This bartender, for one, will be seeking to create a counter-culture.

It’s nice to be remembered

2008-07-14T12:05:00.001+01:00

A postcard arrived a few days ago addressed to the staff of the pub, where your friendly barman works, from an absent friend.

Although we live in a time where email, instant messaging and mobile phones allow us to contact friends all over the world, the personal thought involved in a postcard or letter is still unmatched.

Leaving parties are popular in Dublin pubs with friends waving goodbye to friends as they embark on their year in Australia, permanent career moves to Dubai and various other moves that the people we care about make.

However, despite the best of intentions, many people fall out of touch with their friends very easily. It is often with a return to the pub, where they attended the leaving party, or when they are with their other friends, that people remember who they said goodbye to, thinking, “I really have to get in contact with them and see how they are doing.”

But when a barman loses a regular, a friendly face you see most days at work, they are reminded daily that they should get in touch with their friend. When the other regular customers who used to sit, laugh and joke with their old friend are in, it is clear that everyone has a collective thought: “I wonder what the other guy is up to in his new job, what pub they’re in, do they miss the Emerald Isle and more importantly are they thinking about us whenever they are having a good time in the pub and most important of all – is their new bartender as friendly as their Dublin one was?”

Saying goodbye, to a friend, is a very difficult thing to do. But with great communication technology and constant flights to all corners of the globe goodbye is not necessarily the end. It is always important to remember our absentee friends wherever they may be. Even if you feel that you have fallen out of touch, you can be sure that they will at some point be thinking of you.

Thank you, kind friend, for remembering your friendly barman.

Photo Credit: Sutefani

Conflicting Interests

2008-06-26T15:25:00.004+01:00

Tonight I’m working for a private party. However, unlike most private parties I have supplied with drinks, this one is making my skin crawl.

A passionate hatred is bubbling up inside. Tonight’s featured guests are none other than office workers, from executives to interns, of Shell Oil.

So what is it I don’t like about Shell? I’d like to believe it’s because they are putting a gas pipeline underneath the soil in Mayo which, if it happens to leak, could lead to catastrophe.

Perhaps, it’s because of what I’ve come to learn about the Niger Delta and the damage Shell have caused, environmentally and otherwise in the area.

Is it because powers in the western world embarked on a war of aggression in the Middle East for oil? Something that Rupert Murdoch believed would lead to cheaper oil. "The greatest thing to come out of this for the world economy...would be $20 a barrel for oil. That's bigger than any tax cut in any country."

And is it then because Murdoch was wrong and that as the price of oil rises and rises a global food crisis has emerged which has led to people in Cairo killing each other in bread queues.

But most likely my dislike for Shell grows because the more I hate them and the more I try to fight the powers that be, the more I feel powerless in the world around me.

But whatever the reason is, I hate Shell Oil.

Yet, I can’t fault these lovely, courteous, friendly people here at the pub to enjoy a few sandwiches and a few pints of vitamin G(uinness).

It’s like a gentlemen’s club here tonight. But for the smoking ban, passively, my lungs would be filling with a cloud of cigar smoke and my nose, the sweet Cuban aroma.

Even there drinking habits are those of mild mannered gentlemen. Pints of Guinness dominate 90% of taste buds while a small few enjoy bottles of Erdinger and glasses of sauvignon blanc. The drinking is moderate and no one attempts to abuse the company credit card – behaviour I, regretfully, haven’t seen in a long time.

Such politeness is rare at staff parties which creates for me a problem. I’m trying really hard not to like these people. But the only major issue I have with them is for causing a conflict of interest to shake the core of my moral fibre.

These people are more than welcome in my pub, anytime. Hell, I’d even welcome them into my home.

Conclusion:
Shell = Bad
Shell Workers = Not So Bad

Festival Guide

2008-06-19T10:28:00.002+01:00

Summer's here and the sun is shining. Time to forget about the pub, grab a tent, a case of beer and head off for a few days in the wilderness, with a couple of thousand other people.

Festivals were once not a place for the faint hearted an assault course of drugged up drunks and party animals but nowadays, it seems, festivals cater for everybody. Thanks to helpful gadgets like solar mobile phone chargers, fashionable wellies and a stylish 'cag in a bag' which can be whipped out to give instant protection from the almost inevitable festival rain, a few days in the fresh air are now part of everyone's summer.

So whether your planning to go to the big festivals: Oxegen and Electric Picnic, or to some of the smaller ones: Life, Irish Green Gathering or Mantua, here's a survival guide, detailing what to pack, brought to you by 'Imodium Instants' and your friendly barman.

1. Plastic bags are your friend. They're even more of a friend than the best mate you came with. Put them round your feet and your possessions when the mud just gets too much but don't forget to pack your wellies as well and recycle the bags afterwards.

2. Test your tent before you get there. It might seem like a good idea to dig out that old scouting trip tent. But just make sure it's still waterproof, stable and mould-free first.

3. If the sun does decide to shine, sunglasses, sun hat and sun screen are a must have. Getting burnt is not.

4. The drinks won't be flowing freely if you forget your bottle opener. Even better, resolve only to drink screw top booze for the weekend.

5. Festivals can be an assault on your stomach. And we're pretty sure your idea of a good time doesn't involve lying, groaning in your tent and rushing to the loo. Make sure you don't miss out by packing fast-acting Imodium Instants. They melt in the mouth instantly so you don't need water to take them and come in thin peel-back packs which are small enough to fit into a pocket and go unnoticed.

6. Don't let unexpected insect bites or headaches ruin your festival weekend. Taking painkillers, insect repellent, cream and plasters in your festival first aid kit will help prevent being caught out.

7. Showers and baths are going to be in short supply. That doesn't mean you have to stink though. Wet wipes and anti bacterial gel will ensure you stay just the right side of unsavoury.

8. Weaving your way back to your tent at night will be easier if you stick a flag or balloon on it to make it stand out from the thousands of others in the field. A torch is also a handy way to make sure you get back at night.

9. When the stage lights have gone down and the dance tent's shut up shop for the night, you can always keep the party going back at yours with a wind up radio.

10. The loos aren't going to be overflowing with toilet roll. Take your own.

11. And finally, you may be sunkissed as you sway to the music during the day, but it gets cold at night. Surprisingly so. Pack something warm to wear and sit on for night time

Enjoy, and don't forget to bring plenty of beer.

Alternative fun

2008-06-18T15:09:00.003+01:00

There’s nothing quite like finding a good alternative to going to the pub for entertainment. In Dublin it’s hard to find something fun to do without there being a bar involved.

And so, I tip my hat to the talented street performers who made us laugh, then laugh some more, and dive deep into our pockets to show our gratitude.

The third AIB Street Performance World Championship took place in Dublin’s Merrion Square last weekend where children and adults of all ages were delightfully provided with fun filled entertainment.

Stars of the show would be the English Gents who delighted the crowd with an acrobatics show while wearing suits until the more difficult moves required them to strip to union jack patterned underwear, with one of the gentlemen further stripping to more appealing tricolour patterned clothing.

Byron Bertram, a Canadian joker, embarrassed several members of the crowd by trying to create some inter-racial gay love while members of the audience tied him up in a straight jacket and chains before his big finale.

But the queen of the show was Mario, a juggler whose entire routine revolves around the music of Queen. During his performance he fell in love with an audience volunteer until her boyfriend came to her rescue and fought Mario to the death with a banana. And it was no traditional battle of wits the two walked three paces away from each other and proceeded to peel their weapon before biting off chunks to spit at each other.

It is such a wonderful occasion when you have something other than a pub to go to for entertainment other than in your home in Dublin.

Let's talk about Lisbon

2008-06-18T11:21:00.004+01:00

Only four articles in and I’ve broken the promise to myself that I would not report on the cardinal sins committed inside a pub’s walls. These sins, of course, are the mention of a) religion and b) politics while enjoying a beverage or two.

Playful banter and social espionage can easily be destroyed by both of these topics.

Since Friday last (June 13th) the aftermath of the Lisbon Treaty dominated the hearts and minds of the drinking public. As you are by now, most likely, aware the majority vote was “No” to the Treaty that would have changed our constitution.

Before the referendum the debate over the Treaty was low key with a few locals and foreigners speaking to the ever friendly barman about what the Lisbon Treaty was all about. One American customer enquired: “Is the Treaty a good or bad thing for Europe because it seems the working class are very against it.” Of course, I later discovered that the working class she referred to was a lone taxi driver.

But it does appear, from the results, that the majority of the working class did vote “No”. But this is hardly because they read the Treaty, our Taoiseach didn’t even bother to read it and he’s in charge of the whole country. It is also hardly plausible that the “No” vote was down to the working class disagreeing with the major aspects of the Treaty and it is highly likely that the “No” vote came down to the fundamental mistrust of government that exists in this fine, auld, Emerald Isle.

But since the Haughey scandal mistrust of government has increased in this country. Now, with Bertie resigning because he felt that his personal life was becoming the centre of attention for Dáil debates rather than the important issues like the Lisbon Treaty. Maybe it was a noble decision but Irish people are stubborn and won’t follow what their government wants just because they are advised that they would be better off if they did so.

The result is the Irish people rejecting their own government, not Europe.

Here are a few words I picked up from customers after the vote:
“I voted no because I thought yes was going to win.”
“I voted No because I don’t trust them (the Irish government) telling me to vote yes.”
“Why trust those who tell you to vote no?”
“I’m worried, we’ve just said no to Europe what will it mean, this can’t be good.”

You've got a friend in me

2008-06-09T15:16:00.004+01:00

When we lose someone close to us we become inconsolable. Family members gather around to keep each other company and mourn together, this can quickly become too much to handle.

It is quiet common in Ireland to pop out, to escape, from the mourning and sadness to steal away to the local pub. The difficulty with doing this is that in most parts of the country the pub’s regulars will have heard of your sad news and so it is often that you will try to avoid their gaze and they may wish to leave you alone.

But in the bartender you’ve got the friend you need. Even if you have had some difficulties with the bartender in the past all that is forgotten in your hour of need.

More importantly, no matter how busy the bartender is, they will always acknowledge your presence, offer you a small comfort and just be there for you. If you don’t want to talk then they will leave you be. They’ll make sure your glass never goes dry, sometimes for free, and do their best to keep others from bothering you.

The death of a loved one is tough for all. The bartender knows this and will be able to help you through your dark moments.

A country bartender is a champion in this field but in Dublin you may feel like the bartender in your local pub will not be there for you. In the country news of a death in the community will travel fast and so the bartender will know before most people and be ready to help you. In Dublin suburbs and inner city areas this news will not travel at the same velocity, so it is important to always let your bartender know when tragedy strikes so that they can be the best friend to you that they can be.

Remember: it is the bartender that comforts your heart not the alcohol you consume.

The Thursday Night Office Party

2008-06-01T23:16:00.008+01:00

You’ve recently been promoted and organised an area in a pub, to celebrate. Setting the date for a Thursday night you tell the bartender that you expect a modest amount of 40 friends to show up. Although you hope to see much more on the night, especially seeing as you sent around an internal email in the office so that everyone would know about it.

So what went through your head when only ten people, four of which were members of management, there as a sign of goodwill, showed up?

The sun is splitting the trees outside, there’s a soccer match coming on the TV later, Sex and the City has just been released and the beer/smoke garden is inviting yet all you seem to be able to talk about with the ten attendees is the goings on at the office where you work.

Some of the anxiety lifts from your face when you see two more colleagues arrive, however, it’s more members of management. By now, your thinking that you shouldn’t have ordered so much food for everyone and the barman looks incredibly bored.

“Did you get that email for the ten mile fun run?” becomes the focal point of the conversation of the smiling, polite, congratulatory faces, looking to steer away from the topic of work. Whereas the sarcastic theme among management is: whether or not they’re out for the night, hitting nightclubs until four in the morning.

“I’ll have a pint of Carlsberg please.”

Just over an hour in, ties are loosened, and your popularity appears to have reached its full extent of 23. Yet, there’s no more people sitting at your table.

“Excuse me, do we have a tab going?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Great, then give me a whiskey and soda, can I get you guys anything.”
The most impressive thing about the office party is how everybody offers to buy you a drink because they know it’s on the company tab and they won’t have to pay for it. This is a frivolous attempt to seem generous and is both sickening and annoying.

Everyone involved with an office party can be divided into five groups of people:

Group 1:You and your closest work friends

Group 2: Management mainly there so that people don’t bad-mouth them and to keep a close eye on the company credit card.

Group 3: The Wolves, lying and waiting in corner for the managers to get tipsy. Then, when they begin to open up they pounce they talk shop with the boss and do their best to become their new friend in the office.

Group 4: The people just there because of the free booze.

Group 5: The many people, sitting at home or another pub, thinking up tomorrow’s excuse for not coming to your party. Popular excuses include:

I was too busy,
I was too stressed from working so much,
I didn't get the memo,
I don't really like you and so didn't want to spend my free time outside of work in a social situation with you.

“I’ll have a dry white wine, when you’re ready?”

By now, more people are sitting around your table but it’s not you that’s popular. To your left and right two subgroups of ‘group 1’ have developed having separate conversations about members of ‘group 5’ leaving you wondering about which conversation you belong to.

Seeing as you may not remember the night from all the alcohol you consumed here’s a brief synopsis of what happens during an after work party.

Stage 1: Getting settled in, making sure there’s a tab, don’t forget to offer to buy everyone a drink, on the company’s credit card, it’s very important, for your popularity, to appear generous.

Stage 2: All that are coming to the party have at this time turned up and the polite members of ‘group 1’ & ‘group 2’ have gone home for various reasons, they may have the car with them (and can’t drink & drive), they need to get home to their family or increasingly they are one of these people who feel more comfortable doing their social networking online in the comfort of their armchair.

Stage 3: Conversation is free flowing but still, largely, work related. The wolves of ‘group 3’ are, one by one, pouncing on members of ‘group 2’, always with their eye on the job. Managers like this kind of flattering behaviour, of course, but they can see right through what they are doing.

Stage 4: Time for that food you ordered and sober people up a little bit. More importantly, food is a great conversation starter and alas, there is a soccer match starting on TV, work related conversations are doomed.

Stage 5: The wolves are happy with their achievements and they no that there’s no need to bite off more than they can chew, after all tomorrow is Friday and another day for an after work party. Management have all left and with them so has the credit card and the bar tab.

Stage 6: “We all have our monthly target meeting at ten o’clock in the morning”. The sobering thought of work the next morning is frightening and the only way to beat it is to keep drinking. By now, you’re left with just a handful of people from ‘group 1’ and your having such a great time that the idea of going home at the pub’s closing time of 11.30pm is preposterous so you insist on everyone coming with you to a nightclub and as you stumble to the door you scream back:

“Thank you, Mr. Barman!”

Dublin on the June Bank Holiday Weekend

2008-06-01T17:32:00.003+01:00

What happens to Dublin when all the culchies go home for the long weekend? We’ll pubs are quiet and people don’t seem to have as much fun.

Let’s face it culchies are the backbone of Dublin, that’s forgetting all about the vast amount of non-nationals employed in the fair city. Without these; dubs are nothing.

In the countryside pubs are vibrant and full of banter as many of the city’s workers return home to visit their friends and family and enjoy cheaper drink by the bucketful in a long weekend of celebration. But dubs when given back their city for a weekend don’t get up to much and many follow the culchies for a short break.

Thursday will see a few sneaky celebrations had by a small group of nine to five workers, getting in the mood for the long weekend, adding a little promise of fun to the few days ahead.

Friday: An influx of Celine Dion fans flocking to Croke Park to for a fun filled evening of Canada’s most annoying
export. Expect to see these concert goers in areas such as Ballsbridge as these hotels will be fun of the Canadian’s fans. Elsewhere the city’s pubs will enjoy a small group of customers who will all comment to the bartenders about how quiet it is.

Saturday: pubs will be dead except for those dubs who’ve just got their monthly pay packet who will be out to drain every last drop of fun out of the long weekend and revel in the absence of the migrants.

On Bank Holiday weekends Sunday becomes a second Saturday, pubs are opened later and it is a great day for afternoon drinking to cure Saturday’s hangover, or just to celebrate that no work needs to be done on Monday.

Monday: a pub’s only visitors will be travel weary clichés, going for a pint or two, upon arriving back to the capital. Also in attendance in the pubs will be drink-happy people who have been out every night from Thursday to Sunday who can’t face the idea that their couple of days fun is coming to an end.

Tuesday after a bank holiday, a very depressing sight, drones return to their daily routine with soar heads and a lament for the nice few days that have just passed. The only people going to the pub on Tuesday will be members of the service industry who’ve just worked for the weekend and nine to five folks desperate to relive the weekend.